A Quarter
I would like to apologize to all of my exes and everyone who was romantically involved with me for past three years or so. It had been moments of self-reflection on how to perceive and treat others.
I am sorry for involving you within my own growth. Even if it’s all entirely unintentional, I inflicted trauma and abuse towards and inwards. I left people hurting, ignited anger. If only I could correct my mistakes, if only I could turn back time.
I’ve been doing so much growth this past year. I tasted love and preservation from others, through validation it grows my crop of ego. Unknowingly, I tore the love away whenever I felt fulfilled and satisfied. It left wound, and bums me out that I am quite aware of it by the end of the day. Yet it’s all feel too late to do something, except drowning in grief and regret.
I hated myself for what I’ve done.
Yet I decided to try to love myself for what I’ve learnt. Even though I might already be the vainest person you’ve ever met.
I’ve taken myself seriously more than I ever was this past year. Yet I still can’t shake the dreading gaze — wander in alienation, every time I finished my laboring away hours. I feel like I’ve never been more existential than before. The angst, the anger, the demise…the loneliness.
Maybe this should not be how I look back how I spent my past year being 25. Maybe this should not be how I reflect on my 26. But truthfully, that’s all I felt.
Maybe this is karma. This is what I deserved since I hurt a lot people.
I did things and pretty proud of much of it — in terms of career, self improvement, and such, but cynicism takes over and I wonder, “what does it take to be a person whose birthday always celebrated with gifts, surprises, and cake? To be celebrated in monumental performative kind of way?”
I tried my hardest to do good, but maybe the bridges I burnt makes it difficult for people to mend another bridge. Hence, I ended up spent my life reflecting on my own isolation.
There is only one resolution for my coming year(s): I’ll try to love more. Properly. Sincerely.
