On Projecting
Are you the new person drawn toward me?
To begin with, take warning, I am surely far different from what you suppose;
Do you suppose you will find in me your ideal?
Do you think it so easy to have me become your lover?
Do you think the friendship of me would be unalloy’d satisfaction?
Do you think I am trusty and faithful?
Do you see no further than this façade, this smooth and tolerant manner of me?
Do you suppose yourself advancing on real ground toward a real heroic man?
Have you no thought, O dreamer, that it may be all maya, illusion?
— Walt Whitman
Ever since I was little, being the oldest of a bunch, raised by short tempered struggling middle class pair, I always try to make sense of my place in this world. Longing for affirmation, I tried to be somewhat the best at what I was doing. Winning competition, took a lead in a group, always being at the top five of the class. Yet whenever I came home, no one ever talked about what I did.
It seemed like I was expected to do so. Without even being told to do so.
In the midst of my frustration, I curled myself in. Chose to be reclusive. Drowned myself in my own trajectory and sense of improvement. Always knew what I want to do, what I want to have, and what will and how I achieve and afford those. And it wasn’t smooth sail either. I have my episodes and depressions. It gets ugly; exacerbated by the kind of people I chose to met. I make my own tragedies, and the memory of said tragedies linger within all the regrets and planning. Hence, I chose to not expect anything from people.
I distanced myself from the crowd.
Correction, I grew up, being the nomad I am, chose to be not invested with my surroundings. I became a reliable and self-aware observer, no one to put my social cushion to land whenever I fall because I don’t feel the need to attach to anyone. Virtually, I have no one. I don’t put my confidence in people because people I’ve met repeatedly broke me; and funnily, they are almost always able to justify themselves. It’s like being kept in the dark, constantly guessing what other’s intentions are. Well then, I decided to not going to do it anymore.
Then, I kept a facade. Even though I am trying my hardest to be ethically authentic, there is no way I am going to impress anyone with my bare vulnerability. I kept a facade not because I want to tell myself certain things or being perceived as such, I kept a facade because I chose to not show my vulnerability and kept distance from the crowd. It’s such a complicated thing, personality disorder.
But people — every time I tried to solve my loneliness, always perceive certain things about me. They chose assumptions over confirmations; strip me from my complications and chose to put me in an archetype. I hate being put in a box.
I tried to refrain from assuming things, hell I don’t really assume and care of what people want unless they told me. And some told me that I am insensitive for doing so. Yet to be honest, I sensed it. But I decided not to act on anything until I get my confirmation. I quickly judge after I assessed what I need to confirm. Then, I decided what angle should I sit regarding matters based on what I confirm. Hence, I am judgemental, but I tried my best not to assume. I think this is an ideal outlook on life and way to survive.
Yet, people perceived me as such and such. Although, they are not wrong about some things, most of the perception they built on me is an echo, an amplification of things they thought was me. They project the most ideal version of me and expect me to follow their expectation. I stood my ground, and they ended up heartbroken seeing their ideal perception crumbled before their very eyes. Amidst disappointment from doing such thing themselves, they threw the blame at me. But they have no idea how much I spent to understand and not to blame myself constantly. I am tired of being vilified; yet I felt like I have been constantly doing vile things because of what they project unto me. Out of my frustration, I lost my hard-earned gentleness. While wallowing in my constant regret, I could only say, “I am surely far different from what you suppose,” and hope they also heal.
